While the fullness of spiritual contacts and experiences is so evident, comprehending of the Light is so blissful and at the same time so terrific, that any other man becomes perplexed and "childlike", and turns into one truly "poor in spirit" - you feel proud! You do it through an old social habit, and don't see that you perish.

        Why were you so serious when being ill, or staying all alone or being deceived? Why have you withdrawn those serious experiences from your life? You have gained joy of the World of Hills, but have you gained the seriousness of the World of Hills? You have had pleasure of the world of valley, but you have known the seriousness of the world of valley too, and at the moments of that seriousness and fullness of your experiences you were growing up. Now you think that you have reserved but the joy of the World of Hills, don't you?

        You have no weeping for the Holy Spirit equal to the weeping of a hungry man for some bread. Having left your weeping there - you haven't gained it here. Having left sufferings and difficulties there - you haven't gained them here. Having left the fullness of contacts with death, illness, love, childbirth, labor there - you have gained nothing here! I mean the suffering aspect, I mean the humiliating aspect of both your inner and outer life. You have no humility even to the dark forces to make you become shaken and serious like in the war, on a battlefield. Your only fear is that of becoming shaken, that of slipping. You always distort reality. All the time you exaggerate figures, constantly you overstate the percentage of your achievements for your self-affirmation.

        With all the reality of your mistrial impressions and evidences you yourself appear unreal for the Master. You are unreal because you want to look significant before Him. How can you look significant before Him Who sees through you? How can you appear a winner before Him?

        I am in big doubt about you and cannot work with you any longer. Now you should again go back to some outer situations to suffer and receive the gift of the soul truly but not due to your victorious aim to become an advanced occultist.

        Besides, I don't see "mercy, and not sacrifice" when a man having passed numerous trials doesn't want any more to go to the woods (for there is a bog there), doesn't want to run to the steppe (for there is dust there), doesn't want to swim off into the sea for it is lonely there...

        Yes, you've made a choice of a higher being and leaving for it, but the outer vanity hasn't yet faded for you. You simply decided not to deal with it. You hypothetically stepped aside from it wishing first of all to become a winner in a new (spiritual) doing.

        Now with all your might you started to uphold your so-called purity. Of course, your principle of self-hood is now feeding with more refined food and even looks more righteous than before. You seem to represent a noble impulse, a noble service, a "winner" - and suddenly they see though you, find some imperfections! Repentance is an obscure thing for you. Obedience is as well... But whom do you protect? If everything is pure and your soul is active, why should he be protected? Or is there someone else, who was noticed and may have imperceptibly penetrated into you?

        All the hermits and saints, all the spiritual people have had a rule - just in case to accept any reviling or slander, all the more reproofs of the spiritual teacher, because a greater Light may illuminate a hidden program which you don't yet see. Then why do you need to protect it? What is the benefit to him who came for purification to protect a handful of dust which may later grow, fill all the hall and lead to destruction of the whole building?

        Pay attention to David's psalms. Which "means" does he use to attract the Lord's interest to him? Now you speak of fear and awe. David was also afraid but not of staying without those around. He was afraid of being left by the Lord as an objective and true Arbiter of his life and Him Who would prolong it in Cosmos or sever it according to the Higher Law of Cosmic nature. That's why David ranks himself among the wise men, i.e. those who fear the Lord. He does fear but only the Lord.